MY TERRITORY
In our life group we are reading the small book by Bruce Wilkinson called "The Prayer of Jabez". While I was reading for this past Sunday, I asked Les his view on the prayer and he said he didn't think Jabez prayer was meant to be used as a model prayer for us. It was something personal between Jabez and God, but certainly we could learn from his experiences. I'm not sure how we are meant to take the prayer, but the words in this book have struck a cord in my heart
As I finished chapter three and started on chapter. four, the words seemed to jump out at me. The point in this chapter is "oh that your hand would be with me". The writer was talking about descending to power and how out of control and weak he was feeling in his ministry, territory, whatever. He wasn't feeling at all the way a leader should feel. The thought the advisor gave him was that his feeling of being out of control was actually his dependence on The Lord...
I told a friend just a few days ago I had felt out of control in my ministry...the same way Bruce was feeling, but is that not what we strive all our lives to overcome? dependence on someone else? We want to stand on our own two feet, do it our way, make our own mark on the world. Show our ability to "lead". I have to say, I haven't been depending on The Lord, my Out of Control is not in a good way.
As I read the words (and this will probably not explain how I feel or why, it's only helping me to see it more clearly) I realized I had actually asked God (in my heart only of course) to expand my territory within the women's ministry at BACC BEFORE it was presented to me. I wanted that territory and He blessed me and gave it to me. I wanted it to help the younger women relate to and learn from the older women, I wanted to help those who were hurting to heal and trust the Father. He brought into my life very effective tools for doing these things but I'm not actively seeking to use them.
Les and I have asked for many years for Him to bless and grow our territory within our family, our children, grand children, brothers and sisters and their families. This is a very dear and constant desire for me. Again I feel I have not depended upon Him walking beside me and have missed opportunity to bless as I've been blessed.
What have I been doing, Nothing. Actually I have been shirking my blessings and leaving them on the table. No wonder I feel incapable and weak, I'm NOT depending on Him to increase my gift.
I remind myself of the conversation I had with Zackary today about all of the birthday and Christmas gifts he has asked for over the last few years and has received. Now most of them lie in a pile, broken with parts missing and pages torn. He was willing to "donate" those gifts to others, but not willing to care for and appreciate the givers of those gifts.
Father, forgive me for asking for my territory to be larger and then not appreciating the gift or the giver. Restore my dependence on you to once again honor those in my territory.
If you happen to be reading this, you are in my territory by the gift of our Lord and I thank Him for you. I love you and offer myself to you!
Your Friend,
Alma
